Yardstick of LOVE

One of the most basic human needs is LOVE.  It has been scientifically shown that children can die from a lack of love and touch, even when their physical needs are taken care of.  Our childhood experiences limit, define, and shape our definition of love and without a true definition of what love is, how can we know what we are looking for or even how to give and receive this most basic of human needs, love?

The Bible defines love in 1 Cor. 13:4-7.  Of course, it goes without saying that no one gets it all correct, but it is the gold standard by which we can measure love.  It is important to note that Jesus is the one who demonstrated perfect love and He can help us learn to love well and how to love with His wisdom.  By studying 1 Cor. 13:4-7, we can at least define love and help our children recognize it when choosing their future spouses.  Let’s explore God's definition of love and how to measure it.

4  Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 

5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking (does not insist on its own way), it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs (is forgiving). 

As I tried to group these characteristics to make them more meaningful, I thought of a yardstick.  To teach my grandchildren what love is and is not, I put the most recognizable traits in the first foot and tell them if someone doesn’t measure up to the 12 inch mark, they don’t need to measure further.  Love is patient, kind, not rude, not selfish, and not easily angered!  

Love is patient.  How do they react when you make innocent mistakes?  How do they act when things get hard or don't go their way?

Love is kind and not easily angered.  How a person handles anger is extremely important in a relationship.  Do they “blow up” and spew sarcasm and insults at you or do they give you the “silent treatment”?  Both are immature ways of handling anger, but are quite common and should be red flags to long-term relationships.

Love is not rude.  Do they talk to you respectfully or do they criticize or constantly correct you in front of others?  How do they treat others?  Are they considerate or do they gossip? 

Love is not selfish.  Selfishness can easily be recognized when you hear, “if you love me, you would . . .” or when someone is constantly trying to “talk you out of your needs”.  Is their conversation all about being right and convincing you to agree with them?  Is everything about them?  

Another important measurement is whether they put pressure on you for sex.  Sex and love are not synonymous although our society seems to treat them as if they are.  Love is by definition a choice and if it is not a choice; it is not love--it is control.  God gave man a free will because He wants us to love Him freely.  If He made us do everything His way, it would not be love.  The same thing is true of our human relationships. 

 The second foot, from 12 to 24 inches, is love does not envy or delight in evil, does not boast, is not proud, and keeps no record of wrongs (or is forgiving).  These are characteristics that are not always evident at the beginning of a relationship and can be hidden more easily so I give questions to help measure each characteristic.

Love does not envy.  Can they support you in things that may for a season seem to favor you more than them?  Are they jealous or possessive of you possibly to the point that they object to you coming and going freely?  Are they jealous of your other friends or relationships?  

Love does not boast and is not proud.  Pride has many faces, but it is essentially a lack of humility.  Boasting or always needing to be right is one example of pride.  Are they able to admit and take responsibility for their mistakes or do they deny their guilt and shift the blame somewhere else?  If you enter a long-term relationship with this person, the blame will eventually be shifted to you and “everything will be your fault!”  

There is a false humility that is also a form of pride.  Always putting yourself down is a form of this.  Real humility is agreeing with what God says about you.  It is “power under control”.  Are they confident enough in who they are to admit when they are being selfish or just plain wrong? Admitting your mistakes and taking responsibility to correct them is important.

Love keeps no record of wrongs (or is forgiving).  It is not pleasant to live in a relationship where every mistake you make is remembered, held against you, and/or brought into conversation at future or embarrassing moments.

6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 

7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

 And finally, the characteristics of the last foot, from 24-36 inches, are the things that nourish a relationship for the long term.  I have been married for many years and there have been many difficult times.  Without commitment marriage will not last.

Love always protects means more than just physical protection.  It includes emotional and mental protection.  Does this person take your side against “outsiders” and do they join with you to put up a solid front of agreement for your children.  Do they help bond the family together or divide them with back talk, arguments, and yelling?  Do they take care of their health?

Love always trusts.  Can you trust them to remain faithful in ALL areas of life?  Are they faithful to do what they promise?  Can you depend on them?   

Love always hopes.  Do they look for the best in others and in most situations.  Negativity is OK occasionally, but a steady diet of it will wear a relationship very thin.

The last inch is love always perseveres.  Perseveres means keep on keeping on and not quitting.  It is running the race set before us.  (Heb. 11:1-2) Of course, this is not always possible, especially in abusive situations.  Perseverance means commitment and it is a word that seems to have lost a lot of meaning in the past generation or two.  People of my parent’s generation were often married for a lifetime—in fact, my parents were married 77 years!  This is probably unusual on two fronts—the first being just living that long, but the second being persevering that long.

Perhaps if we could use the first foot to measure new relationships and the second foot to assess longer term relationships like engagements, then we would be able to make it to the yard line of persevering love!  Jesus heals broken hearts and there is always hope if both people are committed to putting Him first and getting help with a humble heart and spirit when it is needed.  However, many people believe lies about themselves and love that puts stumbling blocks in relationships and hijacks love.  It is good to get healing before marriage and dig up the roots of insecure love.  

#raisestablechildren             #makingJesusreal