Understanding Forgiveness

After recognizing offense and the lies, vows, or judgments we have made as a result of our experiences; forgiveness is the next step and the key that Jesus gave us for our healing.  We often don’t want to forgive the people who hurt us or tempted us to believe the lies that have wreaked havoc in our lives.  I find that there are some major misconceptions about forgiveness and when these are cleared up, people are willing to step into what Jesus is asking of them.  Phillipians 2:13 says that it is God who works in you both to will and to do his good pleasure.  Therefore, when someone is having a hard time forgiving, I simply ask them if they are willing to be willing to forgive.  Since it is Jesus who makes forgiveness happen, He will bring them to the place of forgiveness if they open the door enough to be willing.

We hear the phrase, “Forgive and Forget”, like it is a simple thing to do.  The first thing to understand is that forgiveness does not mean the offender’s word or actions were OK.  Using my paragraph from Offense, Get Off My Fence, “forgiveness is the choice to drop the charges you are holding against the offender, even though they may never ask for your forgiveness or even acknowledge that they hurt you.  Your choice to release them from owing you anything lets them out of prison, but it also releases you from your prison and allows you to move forward with your life.”  Forgiveness cuts the chain that has bound you to the other person.  It frees you from dragging around the emotional baggage of the offense and hurt.  I have seen people who are so bitter and think that the other person should feel as badly as they do and come ask for their forgiveness.  Sometimes the other person does not even know they have hurt the offended one or are not willing to acknowledge it!  Therefore, who is in prison?  You are. 

Romans 12:18 says, “ If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men.”  No one needs to ask your forgiveness and you can forgive without asking for their forgiveness.  Forgiveness is a state of the heart and is primarily between you and God.  Some of the people who have hurt you may have already died or have moved out of your life.  Sometimes bringing up the past, as with elderly parents, may not be possible or may cause distress.  Ask Jesus what steps you need to take toward the other person, if any. 

Forgiveness is a process that often happens layer by layer so it may seem like you have to do it more than once when it is really just a deeper layer of the same hurt.  Jesus only gives us what we can bear at the time (a bruised reed He will not break).  When you can remember the offense and NOT feel the pain, you will know you have completely forgiven.  I have never totally forgotten the words or actions I have forgiven.  They are a part of my experience and they help me to understand and empathize with others.

There are 3 people or groups of people that you will need to forgive—others, God and yourself.

We all know about the “others” who have hurt us.  Forgiveness is our CHOICE, but it is also a command from Jesus for our own good.  Matthew 6:14-15 says, “For if you forgive others for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions.”  Be as specific as possible when listing the sins against you.  An example prayer might look like this:

Dear Lord Jesus, I choose by my free will to forgive __________ for _____________.  I say they owe my nothing and I release them to you.  I give up my rights for revenge because that belongs to You.  (Romans 12:19  Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord.)

The second person you might need to forgive is God.  When God does not answer our prayers in the way we are expecting, we often blame Him.  I have prayed with many who are mad at God, although they do not consciously know that or admit that to themselves because they know in their head that isn’t good.  Let’s be honest with God since He knows our thoughts better than we do.  How many times to we hear the phrase “an act of God” for things we cannot control like tornadoes or earthquakes and other things we consider negative.  This blog is not the place for that discussion, but let me explain what I mean by forgiving God.  It is releasing God from your blame, your resentment, and your disappointment.  Anger toward God is a major block to hearing His voice and to feeling His presence, love, and peace.  An example prayer might look like this:

Dear God, I choose to forgive you for ______________ (not protecting me, etc.) and I release you from my expectations.  Forgive me, Lord, for my anger and blame and help me to have your perspective.

The third person you might need to forgive is yourself.  I have found this is often the hardest for people and some lies might need to be dismantled before this can happen.  Remember that there is no formula to forgiveness.  When Jesus brings things up, He is inviting you to take care of them so you can be free.  An example prayer might look like this:

Dear Lord Jesus, Please help me forgive myself for _____________ (i.e. believing lies about who I am instead of your truth) so I can receive your truth.  I want to take responsibility for my choices and I choose to receive your forgiveness and give you my guilt and shame from ___________.  Help me forgive myself and release me from this prison of ________(i.e. unforgiveness, striving, addiction etc.)

One thing that I have found helps people come to a place where they can forgive, is to ask Jesus to show them the other person from His perspective.  This is true regardless of whether that person is you or someone else.  Finally, try to bless the person or persons involved.  Don’t try to tell God how to bless them, just bless them and leave them with Jesus to deal with.  He is full of surprises and He is the one that can give true peace!  Choose Forgiveness Flowers! (see Junk or Joy)

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