3 Results of Buried Offense

Buried offense and emotions do not die; they just rot and stink.  It is much healthier to deal with our emotions effectively and teach our children to do the same. The first  important indication of offense buried deeply is repeated patterns of harmful situations. Examples would be repeated return to addictions, repeated abusive marriages, or repeated harmful cycles you can't seem to get free from.  When negative feelings are buried, they start rotting and bitterness sets in until we have the expectation that things will always turn out the same negative way. Like a self-fulfilling prophecy, our expectations can become fulfilled. 

A second result of buried offense and hurt is believing lies, as demonstrated in the book, Offense, Get Off My Fence, such as "I don't deserve anything better" or "No one listens to me".  A form of this result from buried offense is making vows or promises to yourself such as, "I will never be like my parents" or "I will always protect myself because no one else will". These bitter-roots, lies, or vows often set you up to repeat the patterns you have promised yourself that you will not repeat. For now, the point is that most people do not know that their buried bitterness is the driver of these cycles.

A third result of buried offense is shutting down emotionally.  The longer the offense and lies are reinforced, the greater the influence.  This can happen through repeated reinforcement in smaller situations or through a single large traumatic event. The sooner change in behavior is recognized and dealt with, the easier it is to turn the situation around and prevent future problems.

Children in abusive situations need to be protected and removed from the situation. When things are really bad, children often bury the negative emotions so they can continue to function. This is a defense mechanism the Lord gives children to help them survive.  It works well until they grow up and the walls begin to become a prison. These feelings often remain hidden or buried until they have children of their own. Then they are triggered when their children reach the same age they were when they experienced abuse.

If parents are willing to admit that their behavior might be causing problems for their children, and are willing to pursue their own healing, they can apologize and help the child heal. In my coaching program, RAISE STABLE CHILDREN IN AN UNSTABLE WORLD, I have lessons on how to help process emotions in a healthy, effective way. For example, giving young children language for their feelings often helps since they don’t have words for how they feel. However, for children whose parents deny they are part of the problem, quick forgiveness and an adjustment of boundaries can help them survive with their hearts intact.

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