Beauty of Boundaries

In their book titled Boundaries, Cloud and Townsend define a boundary as a fence around your soul.  In my book, Offense, Get Off My Fence, I talk about it being a white picket fence around your heart.  It is a picket fence because the spaces let your heart breathe in the necessary good things and the boards keep out the bad, hurtful things in life.  This is a healthy boundary because good comes in to nurture your heart and bad stays out to protect your heart.

A healthy boundary differs from a wall built around your heart because a wall is built only for protection.  The bigger the wall is, the more protection it offers; but it does so at the expense of blocking the necessary good things, like love and affirmation, as well as the bad, hurtful things in life.  It blocks everything and leaves your heart lonely and, eventually, dead.

We need healthy boundaries to keep our hearts safe in an unhealthy world. Healthy boundaries help us navigate relationships and social necessities while remaining safe, yet respectful of others.  They help us make and manage good priorities and protect us from performing for others in order to feel good about ourselves.  They help us manage our time and resources in a healthy way that allows us rest, fun, and work.  They help us define who we are and bring the relationships close that help us with our goals.  In conclusion, they protect our body, soul, and spirit by blocking the bad and freeing us to receive the good.  This article will deal with boundaries in relationships and the next blog will deal with time and resources boundaries.

First, navigating relationship and social necessities requires, among other things, choosing friends that build you up instead of tearing you down.  We also need help to handle the irritations of people who "rub us the wrong way".  We have to "rub shoulders" with many people on a daily basis who try to control us, irritate us, gossip about us, and the list goes on and on.  Your boundary starts with knowing who you are and what is helpful and healthy for you and what is not.  I have already addressed many of the lies, vows, and judgements that might need to be torn down in order for someone to accept the person God made them to be.  As a person starts respecting themselves, they will recognize those who tear them down and those who build them up and contribute to a healthy relationship. 

Next, let's explore who should be inside your fence boundary and closer to your heart and who should be kept outside your fence boundary and further from your heart.  If someone blabs everything you say, they are probably outside your fence.  If they are constantly negative and feeling sorry for themselves, it can be draining emotionally so they are probably outside your fence.  If they return things they borrow or pay back money lent to them, they are probably inside your fence.  If they tell the truth and don't gossip about you or others, they are probably inside your fence. If you can trust them to do what they say, they are probably inside your fence.  Keep in mind that there are varying degrees of all those behaviors and that should also be considered in their placement.  A random mistake is far different than a repeated habit. 

Once you recognize the people who are "healthy" to be around because they make you feel energized, comfortable, peaceful, and at ease; you can draw them inside your fence and closer to your heart.  You accomplish this by spending more time with them, sharing more intimate parts of life with them, and doing helpful things for them because they reciprocate.  In other words, they build you up and don't tear you down and you can do the same for them. 

Once you recognize the people who are "healthy", you also know those who are not.  Then you can be firm, but respectful, with those outside you fence by limiting the time you spend with them, talking about more general things, and helping them occasionally without the expectation that you will receive anything in return.  The Lord will repay you, but this will keep you from hurt and/or offense when they do not reciprocate.  As you learn to recognize why people are healthy and unhealthy for you, you will have a grid for developing new relationships as well as managing existing relationships. 

Learning to construct healthy boundaries will increase your discernment because you will be more aware of the healthy characteristics and you will be on the lookout for them in friends.  You will also be quicker to notice the unhealthy characteristics that can trip you up.  Just like buying a certain model car makes you more aware of others like it; taking the time to identify healthy characteristics will help you become more aware of the people who possess them and those who do not will really stand out!  Be sure to ask Jesus to help you discern people you can trust to be inside your fence boundary. 

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