5 Questions About TRUST

People are often not who we think they are, so how do you know who you can trust?  In the coaching class, Raise Stable Children in an Unstable World, there is a lesson on planning effective boundaries like a picket fence.  In the parable of the talents in Matthew 25, Jesus promoted the two servants who were faithful with a few things and He put them in charge of many things. The Bible tells us not to despise small beginnings. I find this principle is true for trust as well. Pay attention to the small things and as a person is faithful in the little things, you can move them closer to your fence boundary and, eventually, to your heart. This post is about some things to measure as you answer the question—to trust or not to trust.

The first question is, “Do they do what they say they will do?” I am amazed at how many people volunteer to do something and then cancel at the last minute or never bother to show up. Of course, each incident needs to be reviewed separately so no quick judgments are made; but if there is a pattern of not carrying through, it would probably be best not to trust them with anything that really matters to you. We all know those people in our lives who we can count on to be where they say and to do what they promise! This is true of adults and children.  The Bible says Jesus’s promises are “yes and amen”.  He does what He says He will do, even though it does not always look like what we expect.

The second question is, “How do they handle anger?”   Do they get angry over little things or are they calm?  No one enjoys “walking on eggshells” wondering when someone will get angry!  Do they lash out with a hot temper or do they give you the “silent” treatment and refuse to speak to you, even though you may not know what you have done?  Both of these are unhealthy ways to handle anger and are forms of manipulation and control to get their own way. Both are ways of saying that their needs, wants, and wishes are more important than yours. It would probably be best to keep these people outside your fence until they receive healing.

James 1:19 says, “But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger; for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God.”  (There are many scriptures that describe God’s character as being “slow to anger”.)

Proverbs 14:29 He who is slow to anger has great understanding, But he who is quick-tempered exalts folly.

Proverbs 15:18 A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, But the slow to anger calms a dispute.

Proverbs 16:32 He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, And he who rules his spirit, than he who captures a city.

The third question is, “Do they tell the truth?” People who lie are not to be trusted because to do so can hurt your heart, sometimes over and over. Lying is defined as giving false information. This takes many forms, some more devious than others. For example, NOT telling someone something important is lying by omission or telling a partial truth.  Gossip is an insidious way to lie and can be done to get even, to make others listen to you, or just to get attention. Whatever the reason, it is their problem unless you choose to let them inside your fence boundary by believing and participating with them and what they say.

Psalms 51:6 Behold, You desire truth in the innermost being, And in the hidden part You will make me know wisdom.

The fourth question is, “Are they honest?” This too can take many forms. It would certainly include telling the truth, not stealing, and other obvious things that we define as honesty. But what about those hidden things that we sometimes overlook such as being true to their values in actions and not just with words.  A judgment often made of Christians is that they do not act differently than the world. It is healthy to be true to who you really are and not to trust others who are not true to themselves.  They can say one thing one day and totally change the next.  Do they treat people with respect, including you?  I have known some young girls who were so desperate for attention that they dated boys who tore them down all the time. If a person does not respect him/herself, it is doubtful they will be able to respect others; just as you cannot love others unless you love yourself. You cannot give what you do not have. That goes for peace, joy, honor, and many other things so looking at the fruit of their lives is a great tool for discerning how they will treat you in a relationship. Jesus taught that we should judge them by their fruit. If someone apologizes over and over, but nothing changes; they are probably not sincere.  On the other hand, Jesus is truth (John 14:6).

The fifth question is, “Are they helpful, encouraging, and build you up instead of tear you down.” This means that they can give you honest feedback in a way that does not degrade who you are, but helps you become better. These people are treasures. They will tell you if you have food on your face BEFORE you go out, but will do so in a helpful way that makes you grateful. God has this kind of heart and He often warns us of dangers or potential embarrassments before they happen--if we are listening.

To summarize all these characteristics, I might use the word Integrity.

Ps. 15:2-5 describes integrity:

• He who walks with integrity, and works righteousness,
• And speaks truth in his heart.
• He does not slander with his tongue,
• Nor does evil to his neighbor,
• Nor takes up a reproach against his friend;
• In whose eyes a reprobate is despised,
• But who honors those who fear the Lord;
• He swears to his own hurt and does not change;
• He does not put out his money at interest,
• Nor does he take a bribe against the innocent.
• He who does these things will never be shaken.

Prov. 19:1 Better is a poor man who walks in his integrity, Than he who is perverse in speech and is a fool.

Prov. 28:6 Better is the poor who walks in his integrity, Than he who is crooked though he be rich.

In the Raise Stable Children coaching activity on building effective boundaries and evaluating the characteristics of those who are nearest to you, I think these characteristics in Psalms and Proverbs should be on the list of those who could be trusted. As it states in Offense, Get Off My Fence, “who you trust is always your choice.” This doesn’t mean you cannot or should not speak to them, it just means that you would be wise to not share your heart with them or trust them with your secrets.

Jesus is the one who can always be trusted.  Proverbs 3:5-6 says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.”  I find that when I quit telling God how to fix my problems, His solutions are much better than I ever thought about.  I think of it like a parade.  I am on the side watching the parade and I can only see a small section at a time, but Jesus is in a helicopter flying above the parade of my life and He can see the beginning and the end.  His prospective is so much more inclusive than mine and I have learned that I can trust Him to have my best interests at heart.  I have learned through the years of walking with God that I can trust Him to give me good gifts (James 1:17 and Luke 11:11), to give me wisdom when I ask Him (James 1:5), and to help in times of trouble (Psalms 9:9-10).  You can trust Jesus with your heart as well.

#raisestablechildren           #makingJesusreal