3 Cycles of Offense

Around and around and around offense goes and grows in larger and larger cycles.  We know that offense is annoyance or resentment brought about by a perceived or real insult, but are we aware that offense can drive a cycle in our lives that effects how we see ourselves, how we behave, and even how others respond to us.  The first stage in the cycle is taking offense and believing what is spoken or perceived.  In Offense Get Off My Fence, that could be any scenario, but let’s walk through Chloe and Sophia as examples here.  

Chloe starts by drawing the conclusion that she can’t do anything right because she is always criticized or in trouble for making mistakes.  For some people this might cause rebellion and anger or a belief that something is wrong with them as it does for Logan, but for Chloe it causes her to perform for love because she believes that love must be a result of “being good”.  The harder she tries, the more mistakes she makes, and the more she is criticized.  In her perception, if she could only be good enough, she will be loved and accepted.   The offense changes her behavior and the behavior change reinforces the lie.  Because she can’t be perfect enough to be loved, she concludes she must be unlovable.

Taking Sophia as our second example, she believed the lie that she was not accepted.  This belief caused her to react by isolating and not playing with anyone.  The second stage in the cycle is that the reaction that is chosen in response to the lies believed effect the people around Sophia.  The kids around her, some who might not know what happened, decide that she doesn’t want to play because she quits reaching out.  The third stage in the cycle is that the way the people react and avoid Sophia reinforces her belief that no one likes or wants her.  With these lies reinforced, Sophia will probably continue to act out of her false beliefs.  She will continue her spiral downward until she is so lonely and dissatisfied that she explodes in anger or hatred toward herself. 

Of course, I am not suggesting that these lies are this powerful because of one incident.  Small incidents reinforced over time or large traumatic events both contribute to what we believe about who we are and, for the most part, these are formed in childhood.

The second cycle happens throughout a lifetime that is lived from the perspective of the lie the offense planted.  In Chloe’s case the lie is that she is unlovable.  First, with this lie in place, it will probably effect her choice of a marriage partner as well as friends.  People like Chloe often have trouble in a marriage, both in choosing someone who can love them and then in receiving love.  People who believe they are unloveable often cannot receive love when it is offered.  This sets up a cycle of broken relationships that reinforce the lie that they must be unlovable.  The cycles are different based on the underlying belief system.

The third cycle is the generational one.  We tend to parent the way we have been parented.  For example, abuse, alcoholism, and many other characteristics “run in families”.  Continuing with Chloe as an example, she might become a perfectionist as an adult because she is still trying to earn love through performance.  Therefore, when her children make what she views as mistakes, she will probably also be critical and thus the cycle can be perpetuated through the generations.

Jesus warns us about offense over and over.  It starts small and builds until it affects the person, their decisions, the people around them, and even evidentially affects the generations.  This is because the offense that is nurtured changes the child’s beliefs about who they are, which then changes how they behave toward others, which then effects how others behave toward them and reinforces the lie that began the whole cycle.  As adults, we can reason that we are OK and have moved on and sometimes we have.  But if there is bitterness and anger that is buried, it will only fester and grow until it comes out in one form or another—addictions, anger, abuse, etc.  The warfare is in the mind and thought life!  In praying for others, I have come to realize that I can try to reason with them that they are not who they believe they are.  However, as in the quote below, it is their reality and only when Jesus comes in and brings His truth to their heart, does it change.  

Phil 1:10  (ASV) . . . that you may be sincere and void of offense unto the day of Christ,

Acts 24:16 (ASV) I also exercise myself to have a conscience void of offense toward God and men always.

Luke 7:23 Blessed is he who does not take offense at Me.

Proverbs 17:9 (Mess) Overlook an offense and bond a friendship; fasten on to a slight and—good-bye friend!

Col 3:13 (Mess) Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense.  Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you.

In the province of the mind, what one believes to be true either is true or becomes so.”—John Lilly

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